Dear Reader

I will no longer be posting here on blogger.

I am migrating my blog to tumblr

Ponder

I hope to post a new story there shortly

In the meantime check out my other blog

Pondering My Thoughts

Two Shades of Red

Agonizing pain as I coughed, turning the snow red as I spat.  Not an appealing memory, not one you care to share with children. Yet somehow I find it frustrating that my story goes unheard thanks to the unpleasant feelings and imagery it causes every day folk to experience.  What a dispiriting thought, you all know me and not one has cared to listen of why I am.  Naturally heart wrenching isn't it?

Ah yes, now I see the intriguing gaze in you, that intense stare you are giving me.  Come now, sit down, I will inform you on how the most horrific childhood granted me capacity to make dreams come true.

If my life were a canvas it would be red.  Nothing more.  No fancy art. Just red.  Red is a horrific color, yet all the while it can be quite a happy one.  Blood is red, fire is red. Destruction. Death.  Yet hearts are red, and my clothes, they are red.  Mercy. Memories.  Quite the contrast I might say.  A childhood full of darkness and difficulty; despair.  Now I am merry and motivated; magical.

The coals glowed a dim white and red on the gray dismal street corner.  My pale face blackened like that of a coal miner's after a days work.  My tar and soot covered body burned in agony from the biting wind as the dimming fire failed to warm yet a tip of a finger.  I began to wander off in my mind, an attempt to ignore my mortal pains.  In spite of a powerless effort, my mind declined me any peace; for as I escaped the physical battering, I entered into a mental torture.

Okay people... Not sure how I'm feeling about this, I'm sure you can see where it's going.

I'm still working on it, but I don't know if I want to make it blog worthy.

If you want me to, just comment below.

And yes "In spite of a powerless effort" is intended to be a little ironic.  I like how it sounds. It seems to add hope to hopelessness. 

Soggy Pages

Dear Diary,

Tears wetting paper, it doesn't happen often. So when it does, nothing's going well.  It's all wrong. I'm not okay.

So why am I telling you all of this?  Well, it isn't my fault you picked up my journal now is it?  Read on, or don't.  Not that I care.

Cold.  Today there was this agonizing cold that made my hands quiver; cracked and bleeding, my hands aren't responding.  It wasn't coming from the air around me.  No snow, hail, rain, not even wind.  But my heart, it made me feel as if I were being pressed into a crystallized coke can that someone had left in the freezer much too long.  I feel like it's time for the can to explode outward. Who am I kidding, that just makes more of a mess doesn't it?  As if it could get any worse. 

The boy threw down his book. "Why am I here!?" His eyes were a forest fire; bloodshot, the red overtaking the gracious green which would regularly brighten someone's day. He thrust his pen into the wall, black ink erupting from it as the plastic shattered and the boy was sprayed with the debri. He began to wail a grisly sound and buried his face into his soft, tear soaked, pillow.

A phone ringing broke the sudden silence.  "Hello?"  he awaited an answer, "You won't get in trouble for calling?" his grumbly voice returned to the choked and teary mess it had been moments earlier as the girl attempted to sooth his strife.  Then tears of trouble dried and laughter replaced the grumbles. "I Love you, goodnight."

Paper's dry, that was quick.  So I guess everything is going well.  Everything's fantastic.  I'm going to be okay.

If you happened upon my Journal, I hope you made it this far.  Please, read on. I'm sorry for the inconsistency in the color of ink, there was an... accident... Hehe ;)

Warmth.  Love fills my heart.  It gets better.

Love,

Me

thanks for reading!

here's a sunrise for you n_n

Thoughts on the Alchemist

Hey Everyone!

I'm attempting to be more active on my blog, it's a personal goal of mine.  Today I wanted to share some thoughts on a book I read a few weeks ago.

Recently I was a recommended the Alchemist (Paulo Coelho) by a friend who seemed very sure that it was one of the greatest books ever.  So I decided I would find it and read it.  Needless to say I couldn't put it down.  Sure, it only took me an hour or so to read, but in that short time period, it was the only thing I could focus on.

For those of you who haven't read the book:

The Alchemist is the story of a poor shepherd boy who one day has a dream, and he continues to have this same dream several times.  So he decides he must follow it.  The boy is quite the decided one, and does not give up.  I wont give up the rest of the story (you'll just have to read it), but I must say I was touched.  The boy's determination led me to over think my goals in life, and my desires as a human being.  Whether you are religious or not, the Alchemist, can have a large impact on your vision of what the future holds for you.  I know that it most certainly did for me.

"'I guess you don't believe that a king would talk to someone like me, a shepherd,' he said, wanting to end the conversation.
'Not at all. It was shepherds who were the first to recognize a king that the rest of the world refused to acknowledge. So, it's not surprising that kings would talk to shepherds.'" Page 69

This is a beautiful truth, and brings me peace. Social classes don't have all that much importance when it comes down to it.  The boy Santiago didn't allow his social class to hold him back. In fact he was magnificent and very proud of his life as a shepherd boy. As should we be of our own lives and personal accomplishments. 

"We are afraid of losing what we have, whether it's our life or our possessions and property. But this fear evaporates when we understand that our life stories and the history of the world were written by the same hand." Page 76

Take a look at that beautiful truth. Not to mention the luxurious way in which it is placed upon paper (or in this case the internet).  Love for my Father in Heaven grew as I read this book and realized the incredible life we can have thanks to him.  Dealing with Dad's cancer, that has been hard; but as I read this book, it gave me that hope.  Santiago, received that same hope throughout his life story.

"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has suffered when it goes in pursuit of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity." Page 130

Why fear something to come?  Why can't we just live life where we currently are, roll with the punches. Steady as she goes right?  If we really strive to meet our life Dreams, God will be by us every step of the way, and that is what matters.  Which reminds me of a beautiful poem I once heard:

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.

This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,

“You promised me Lord,

that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”

The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”

Mary Stevenson, 1936

So I hope you enjoy that poem, and I hope, if you haven't already, go find the Alchemist by Paulo Coelho and read it.

Have a wonderful thanksgiving!

Love,

Me

Seasons

Hey everyone! I'm back on here finally. I'm really rusty but hopefully you all still enjoy this :)

I hate crunchy leaves. That sound they make under people's feet; repulsive. Joyful people of all shapes and sizes, sickly smiling as they clear lawns and orchards ignoring the naked skeletons left behind. Making piles of orange, red, and yellow; and then, playing in what isn't theirs to touch.  Maybe it has its beauty; however, it only means death is near.  I cry for them, for the trees that is. Think of it! Stripped bare, tortured and left alone only to then watch humans play amongst what was once a part of them. I always leave before it worsens. Those gray and dismal days are irritating. As if mother nature herself were frowning at all the death she takes in with each year when Winter comes biting at the heels of life. The sun hides, the bear sleeps and the trees, the flowers, the bees. They all nearly die! Winter, he is a sick thing. Now, you may think I have something against my dear girls Autumn and Summer but it's not their fault. Not really. They are nearly the same way with the leaves, the trees, the humans. But there is one more thing that us three share. One person I should say. That little blonde fellow. He always helps us to see Winters' beauty. And Summer, Autumn, and I do our best to get along with Winter. We really do, and thanks to the boy, even on the darkest day his bright green eyes light up anothers day and warms their frozen hearts. And then, all of a sudden, all of that death and gray sky isn't so heavy. Bring life and color to Winter's gray and dismal work, it's what I do. Summer makes life warm and flavorful, and Autumn she let's all go in the most beautiful way possible. Yet Winter, he does us no good. The one sliver of hope left for Winter is such a human as the bright eyed boy I mentioned, as well as you. So what will you give this Winter? Will you make this world a better place? Will you prove us seasons wrong?

Leaving for two years!

Well it's finally here! On wednesday I leave everything I've known behind, for two years.  I am now turning this into my mission blog!  Rather then hearing directly from me, you will be hearing from my parents; about me!

Please write me letters, I'll try to write you back if you write me! :)
I love all of you and leave you with one last post... A haiku :)

God's Always Watching,

I'll always be serving him,

Serve him with me, please?

I know the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the Lord's true church, and I look forward to sharing the gospel with the people of Cali Colombia.  I love the Lord, Jesus, and the Book of Mormon; also, I know that Joseph smith translate the Book of Mormon and that it is true.  I know God lives and that his son Jesus Christ atoned for my sins and all of yours as well.  He loves us and I love him!

I'm grateful for those of you that have always stood by me, supporting me in all that I do!  Thank you Mom for all your support and positive encouragement, thank you Dad for teaching me to work hard, thank you Jade for being a wonderful example and a loving sister!  I Appreciate your example in serving as a worthy missionary, and appreciate you bringing me a new brother! Chris, you are fantastic and always help me to remember to smile, I'm so grateful for your advice and help in preparing to leave!  Sara, thanks for being my best friend and always staying true to who you are :)  Paul, thanks for being the best brother in the world! You're a hard worker and have exceptional talent!  I am very proud of you!  I love you family, you're the greatest!  

Dave, thank you for being so good to my sister! And thanks for being a great friend.  I really have enjoyed getting to know you.

Lastly I would like to thank my two best friends, Jared and Julia.  Both of you have always been there for me, and we've had wonderful times together.  Jared, I'm proud of you for serving a mission too! I can't wait to hear all about it, write me!  Julia, I'm glad you want to serve a mission too! You may still have 3 years til you can go but there is lots you can do to prepare :) oh and Happy Birthday to both of you! Especially Jared! Sorry I leave on your birthday buddy :/

I love you two lots!

I know this church is true, and that Thomas S. Monson is our true prophet.  He leads and guides us as God directs him.  I love this church, and I love you! Thank you to all those you have blessed my life in other ways! You know who you are :) and I thank you.

I write these things in the name of our Beloved Savior, our Master, Jesus Christ. Amen.

Love always, and God Speed

Elder Jolley

The Flabbergasted Conquest

If you had waited-Two years hooked and baited.

Sat and wondered who to hate for your frustration.

It's no game in the simple sense.

Like gold at the end of the gleaming rainbow.

Hope lost when your tarnished shovel;

digs the pit no longer.

You can't imagine a world void of it.

You can only but sigh at it's presence.

Like a bellowing flame hurting for oxygen.

The glorified cup-seized up

Smile spread wide.

In prizewinning, arrogant, stride.

Dear Reader,

This poem is probably one of the strangest, most confusing, poems I have written.  Maybe someday I'll explain it in detail x_x For now it is your poem to interpret.  

Also as sad as it makes me, this may be the last poem I post for 2 years... Maybe not, but we will see :)

Thanks for being the best!!

Love,

me

The Golden Dog

Today I decided that I'd like to feature a poem that my brother wrote, I was impressed by it, and really enjoyed it.  A great poem for a fourteen-year-old (in my opinion).  I hope you enjoy it as much as I did n_n

The Golden Dog

by Paul Jolley

I

The breathing of a wonderful dog fades as his lungs collapse.

I anxiously watch to see if he’ll pass.

The father said, “it is time”, like the ring of a chime.

Is it over? Is it over? I thought in despair.

And how could it be? The friendly retriever,

Who snuggled and cuddled and played by the tree.

II

I’ll never forget when my dog passed away.

When he shivered and quivered right there next to me.

At the age of twelve the dog lied on floor.

Not taken to the pound, but to suffer on the ground.

A growing tumor in his hip, caused paralysis.

Palmer could no longer walk, it broke my heart, I could not talk.

Letter for Allie

Dear Allison,

I was angry.  Simple as that, my day has been, without question, positively wretched.  I hunched over and clamped my head between my knees, leaning against her, our oak tree; I tend to do this when I’m angry.  Mother had me bursting steam out my ears nearly ten minutes after waking, to make things worse Simon spat his morning oatmeal all over Dad’s old shirt, resulting in a painful slap being delivered across his face from yours truly.  I was raging deep down; no one seemed to understand what it’s like.  Having an autistic eight-year-old brother, an alcoholic mother, no father.  Life has never been simple, going day to day, questions poking around in my mind; why did he ever leave us? Where had he gone?  Why can’t she be better?  Why does Simon have to act this way?  My raged ended up making quite the scene.

Mother was undoubtedly hung-over, the stench of last nights excessive drinking on her breath.  “Bowman! Shut up! Shut him up!”  Her bloodshot eyes glaring straight at me with the utmost ferocity.

            “Please Simon, quiet down and eat your . . .” The oatmeal splattered onto Dad’s old James Taylor shirt, “Simon! I can’t believe you.” My hand met his face with such force, such anger; it knocked him flat on his butt onto the ground.  My world began to twirl, words and screams flying through the air.  Hot tears began to escape my dry eyes, Mother shouting profanities, and Simon screaming for all of Oregon to hear. 

            I ran past Mother, past Simon, through the door, and to our oak tree.  There she stood, the familiar grooves of her worn bark, her leaves protecting me from the downpour.   Anger filled me and seemed to make my skin hot making the rain steam as it evaporated from me. 

            I write this to you now in a more sedated state, longing for you to answer yet equipped with the bitter feeling that I will never hear from you.  I miss you Allie, wish you were here, you would know what to tell me, and you always did.  I’m leaving this here, in our tree, for you.  Though I know you’ll never answer me, I feel you watching over me. I love you sis.  Please take care of us.

Love you,

Bowman

Dear Reader,

Now, I feel this one might need an explanation of where it came from.  Unfortunately I can't give you that explanation, it's too deep to tell.  However, it has real meaning and I ask you to take your own meaning out of it.  Just see it as a way to see how someone is always there, watching over you :)

Read on n_n and keep coming back

Love,

Me :)

                                                                                                               

A Storm of Choice

Thunder booms downward

A boy gazes skyward.

Beholding the monster upward.

Absorbing the beauty heavenward.

As Lightning burns the sky

For just a split moment,

Horror aflame, inside his eyes

The thunder sets him. Frozen.

As lightning ignites the sky

For a glorious moment,

Grace of god kindled in his eyes

The thunder fits him. Awake.

Visible as terror

Beheld as beauty

To find joy much rarer

Life's storm is a cruelty

Let it animate your soul

Or slaughter you whole.

Take it as you may

The storm will stay

Sinking Sand

A swirling black mud

Bubbling in this vast pit

Vanquish your love

Tarnished hearts it spits.

Black souls thrashing

Barbaric howls.

Teeth gnashing

Now Heartless Victims.

Tearing, shredding, ripping.

The Pit clutches a heart

The Mud swallows.

Robbers and murderers

Assassins and thieves

Abducting the purest

Abandoning-

Those thought nearest.

Underneath

Gulping up the muck

The Mud is choking you

The Pit ingests.

Out of Luck.

No happy ending.

The Mud-The End

The Pit-The Source

Someone has emerged

Surmounted The Pit

From The Mud

Vanquished her heart.

Win the Lost

You stand a fighting chance

In war thought to be over.

You sit amongst the wounded

Death and brutal murder.

You've seen what has become

Of ones who give up

Giving up on what's to come.

Fight a soldiers fight

Stab straight through the heart

Finish off the life

The one who keeps you in the dark.

Love the ones who've lost

And praise those who have gained

Remember you're a soldier

And in this fight you're never slain.

Pondering Love

Hello,

I decided to make a YouTube channel, and I do not have an idea about what it is that I'll be posting there.  If you have any clever ideas, let me know.  

Now you might be wondering... Payden, why did you make a YouTube channel?

And if you are I shall answer, and that answer is this:

You see, I have opinions.  Opinions should be shared.  I also LOVE people, and I feel like at times people don't get the love they deserve.  I want to start to make a difference, and let everyone know how much they deserve to be loved.  Because no matter how someone seems to be through your eyes, you haven't walked through life in their shoes. 

Now let me be honest, obviously I'm not perfect and I have judged so many people.  And I am not proud of that, but everyone can change and I am working to do so.  In doing this I feel like I can give myself a new start and help others to find, in their own way, love.

For the record, I once was one of those people that put people in this box of They're not good enough or Why do they do that? or That's wrong.  But I now know and realize that I wasn't being good enough and I shouldn't have been doing that and that I was WRONG.  People are people and they all have a chance to be heard.  I am a very religious person, and I am a strong believing member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (LDS, or Mormon) And in being a member I follow certain commandments.  Some of them keep me from doing things the rest of the world seems perfectly acceptable.  And I think its time to start to let those other people know that I still accept them.  

You can't force anyone to believe in what you do, you can only share your message.  But no matter what I want to accept everyone.  Because ultimately that is what Jesus would do and I love him and want to follow his example.  And beyond that I just want to be a good person, that anyone can come to for a hug.  

Now I'm sorry this post has gone on this long, and I would be very surprised to discover anyone making it this far. But I have a few more words to say, and things to go over.

I realize this blog has never really had a specific purpose to it... I've posted poetry, I've vented, I've told stories, and been dramatic.  But will this blog ever have a true specific purpose? The answer is no, because first of in 3 months I'm going to be in Colombia on a Mission for my church and this blog will be updated by my mother and turned into a mission blog.  But also because this blog is a ponderous one and I like to ponder.  So it will always wander through my ponderous thoughts and you will wonder about them. That is that.  

Finally my new YouTube channel has been rightfully titled PonderousPayden (Ponder was taken), and that is how it will remain.  Because I want to ponder this world state of being.  And I want to Ponder love, I want to find it, I want to give it, I want to have it and embrace it.  So if you so desire come on my life Journey.  I have no idea where this journey will take me, but in it I'm going to love and ponder.

So reader, if you've made it this far, come love and ponder with me n_n

love,

me

PS all this stuff above has also led me to change the name of my blog to Ponder :) so now it all matches, and isn't contradictory because if I see life "through his eyes" (this blog's old name) then I'm being biased and that kind of destroys the entire point of this post :)

Broken Belief

You don't have to trust me,

But don't you dare call me a liar!

Don't make up some story

Just because you desire.

I'm true to myself and always will be

Since I'm true to me

True to all of you I also will be.

Without a Genie

You’ve got this problem
It’s rather restrictive

Holding you back

From those deep wishes.

You find the magic lamp

The genie to grant your wishes

But the genie’s trapped

Another master who’s vicious.

Your life will just stay

Just where you don’t want it,

The Genie will not play

No matter with what you taunt it,

Your life is just stuck

Never moving up.

The one working option

No other concoction

The genie the only way

There is not another

He has no sister or brother

Your just stuck this way.

Time turn around,

Walk the other way.

Running Alone: Part III

Part I:
http://ponderouspayden.blogspot.com/2012/04/running-alone.html
Part II:
http://ponderouspayden.blogspot.com/2012/06/running-alone-part-ii.html

My Dear Readers,

I apologize... I have taken much too long to post anything, and May and June were both very sad months with a lack of posting on my part.  My bad.  July is here, which means it's a new month so I can start over again right? SURE!

So what you've all been waiting for (for too long),

Running Alone: Part III


The water seared my skin as if I were on fire.  As my body sank deeper and deeper pressure built and my ears threatened to implode, my lungs were on fire as I tried to hold my breath. Whatever body of water i had been thrown into, it was deep.  My eyelids grew darker and darker as I sank deeper towards my end.  I willed my body to move,  It would not subject to my commands and I felt my mouth open to breathe.  I panicked and willed myself to shut it, to my great surprise it was clenched shut, my eyes opened, my toes and fingers wiggled. I could see a blurry blob of light above the surface and propelled my body towards it.  I must have been about 10 feet from breaking the surface when my chest exploded, my mouth opened and I breathed in what must have been a gallon of water.  All my strength was gone and I began to sink down to my certain death.  I closed my eyes and crossed my arms over my chest in attempt to relax in my moment before death.  Rough hands grasped me, they were cold as ice yet firm, and strong; I was being pulled to the surface, someone was saving me. Who? Why? before I could find out I lost my mind as sharp pain filled my chest.

I woke up laying on the shore of a beautiful blue lake, I was clothed in a fresh new clothes.  My many mysterious cuts and burns dressed in bandages.  A fresh meal was set on a tree stump a few feet from me, some kind of bird and a canteen.  I took a swig and soothing cool water relaxed my parched throat. How did I get here? Who saved me? What happened?  As I looked around and asked myself these questions I found no one to answer them.  All I can say is as I look back on my experience as an old frail man with a wife, children, and grandchildren; I have lived a good life.  Thanks to this stranger I lived and will die having lived to the fullest.  I left a note as I left that morning saying thank you, and to this day I know, I was lucky to have survived.  So wherever that stranger went, no-matter what they are doing, my love has always been with them.  They have never been truly running alone.


The End

Thanks for reading my story with a disappointing ending. Not my best work, but none the less, hope you enjoyed it.

Love,
Me

Wet Feet

I stepped out into the dark street.  The shadows of the stormy night danced in the powerful wind.  Puddles rippled and continued to expand as the rain poured endlessly through the night.  I Felt like a kid again; running and splashing in puddles.  I reached my destination, soaked through to my skin.  The smell of rain faded and my body felt stick and hot.  I turned the fan on and cool air soothed my skin.  I stripped down and crawled into my covers. I am still a child. I smiled, and drifted off to sleep.


Are you still a child?

Beards

One day I thought to myself: Self, beards are funny. . .  So just like many other things I think about I wrote a poem about it n_n ladies and gents... beards:

Mustache may give a rash,

Whisker kisses wil surely tickle

Scruffs seems manly

But will not be friendly.

The creeper-stache,

Will scare girls away.

You have a soul patch,

Hope its just for the day.

Hipster beard?

I'm thinking you're weird.

Facial hair

May seem so daring

It might just scare

So beard Wearers beware.

What is the mark,

Of your facial hair?

Feet

As many of you may know, I hate feet.  GROSS! So I wrote a poem about it because I was out of ideas so for lack of a better poem...  Feet:

Hair foot & muddy boot

Soiled socks & flocks of feet

They frighten me.

Footsies aren't my thing

My feet the only ones

My socks & shoes had in them.

Babies feet and ladies feet

I don't care

Get your feet off me.

I hate feet

Let it be known

Feet are gross.

Running Alone: Part II

Hello my faithful readers!
As a side note, before I begin this post, I would like to say sorry for not writing at all last month.  Hopefully I can make up for it during the month of June n_n

In case you haven't read the first part of this story (you need to do that first) click here:  Running Alone: Part I

Part II:

I woke up in darkness.  My eyes were so heavy that I could not open them.  Have I been drugged? Am I dreaming? I was hoping for the latter. . .  Then again, would it be worse when I woke up into a reality where I could see my captors?  Time had seemed to stretch, it felt as if the day in the forest was years ago, that I was a different person, in a new body, running a new life.  As I came to the senses which I still had I felt i had not been bound; however, just as my eyes would not open, my body would not subject to my brains demands.

I eventually gave up on any sort of escape from this fateful doom when I heard crisp footsteps approaching, a twig snapped.  I could smell fresh pine in the air, I was outside; that much could be certain.  I was also with someone, who I assume was alone for they did not speak to anyone.

I now Knew morning was approaching for my body felt the warmth of the sun and my eyelids turned a friendly color of orange as the light shone through them.  I heard more footsteps and then a shadow darkened my eyelids.  Rough icy hands scooped me up, the touch of the stranger froze my bare skin and stung as if I were covered in burns. Without warning my body was flailing in the air like a rag-doll and moments later I was splashing into water.  A lake?  A river? I knew not.  I only knew that in moments I would be dead.

to be continued. . .

n_n